Tomorrow marks the beginning of what feels like a long process of healing.  Tomorrow I go in VERY early in the morning and get my chemo port.  Tomorrow, my body starts to change, and I hope to attack and kill cancer.  So, in some ways, it is a hopeful day, and in some ways, it is very sobering.  This is reality now.  A reality I never thought was even possible.  I am certain every person who ever got this diagnosis felt the same way.  How is this possible?  But I do not consider myself immune to any suffering known to humans.  I do not claim any special privilege that exempts me from pain, illness, fear, etc.  That is life!  And I have had the most amazing, blessed life.  So, it's time to hit a rough patch, time to press into the truths I have said I stand on for most of my life.  And that's okay.  

Here's what I know so far:

I will have my first chemo treatment on June 6 and will have them weekly for 12 weeks.  Then the next phase will be another 12 weeks, but only going in for treatment every 3 weeks.  That last section will be a rough one, from what I understand.  Right now, I'm just taking this one step at a time and not looking too far forward. My cancer is triple negative, which is a very aggressive type, but one that my doctor has told me is curable. My doctor is amazing, by the way.  Very upbeat and confident.  She doesn't pad the truth, and has told me this will be hard, but I feel hopeful that when it's all said and done, I will have a great story to tell and also be cancer-free.  

If all goes well, I will be done with chemo on October 31st.  

If you'd like to pray with me, here are a few things I love being specific about-

*That I would honor God in all I do throughout this time

*That God would increase my trust in Him and understanding of His word.

*That I could be used through this to encourage others and point them to Jesus. This    is my true heart's desire.

*Protection for my body from the damages of chemo, so that it would target the cancer and just avoid the rest of me! I'm getting immunotherapy as well, which does target the type of cancer I have, but the more traditional chemo attacks everything.  So please pray that my blood counts stay strong and all my organs remain healthy.  

On Saturday, Chris and I will take a quick two-day trip to have some fun before I start treatment.  I'll post more about that after we are back and I have my first infusion.  

I want to tell all of you that your texts, phone calls, and messages on social media have meant more than you can imagine.  Knowing at such a deep level how much you are loved...well, it changes things.  It changes your outlook, it strengthens and also humbles you.  I don't deserve it, but I hope to return it as much as possible.  This kind of love cannot just be taken in; it has to go back out as well.  I can't wait to see what God wants to do with it all! 

"I sought the Lord and He answered me and delivered me from all my fears.  Those who look to Him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed.  This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him and saved him out of all his troubles."  Psalm 34:1-6

 

Eyes.On.Jesus.

Nan 

    

 

 I stumble as I begin to type these words.  Today has been a hard day.  I don't know what makes the difference in a good or bad day after you've been diagnosed with cancer, but today has been hard/bad.  I know part of it is the fact that eating and sleeping are evading me.  Every health expert will say those are two of the cornerstones (can you have 2 cornerstones?) in health.  Oops.  I just wish I could get out of my head and latch on to all the positive.  So, I sit and write.  It has always been my clearest way of communicating, the thing that helps me empty out the cobwebs of heart and mind.  So I invite you to take this journey with me.  I hope it will be a very long journey in terms of years of life, but a short one in terms of sickness and talking/thinking about cancer every minute of every day.  BLEH!  I hate that more than anything.  I just want to be me.  All that negativity aside...I KNOW God is doing something in me.  I absultely know that.  I'm going through a refining fire and it is painful!  And I am just at the beginning.  But where God leads me, I want to go with trust and joy.  That is my goal.  I want my children and grandchildren to draw near to Jesus in this.  When hard things come we all have two options, towards Him or away.  I am choosing towards.  I'll sit down soon and give all the details of exactly what is happening in my body.  I don't honestly know all of them yet as I avoid certain details to keep my head above water.  But what I know, I will share gladly.  Nothing about this is a secret.  I have become so aware of people praying for me.  I know you can allow others to carry your burdens at times, and Jesus is at the head of that list of burden carriers.  

My biggest desire is to keep my Eyes.On.Jesus.  To honor Him in what I do and who I encounter every step of this path.  Several Bible verses have comforted me in the last two weeks.  The story in Matthew chapter 14 of Simon Peter wanting to walk on the water to Jesus is really resonating with me right now.  The disciples are in the middle of a storm on the sea and Jesus decides to take a stroll out to them... by walking on the water!  They see him and think He's a ghost.  When Jesus says "DO NOT BE AFRAID" Simon says "Lord, if it's you, command me to come to you on the water" Jesus tells him to come.  One word, come.  Initially he walks on the water and comes to Jesus but then is suddenly aware of the wind, and fear struck, and he began to sink.  Because he took his eyes off of Jesus.  He cries out to the Lord and Jesus "immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him ' O you of little faith, why did you doubt'".  They get back into the boat and the wind ceases.  I love the world immediately in this.  No hesitation.  In modern terms He would say "I got ya!"  Jesus, please hold me! Me, little Nan in all her ordinary,  I need that rescue right now, that immediate rescue. Only He offers that.  

I saw someone on social media recently say "You want to hear God's voice?  Open His mouth!" and held up his Bible.  So much truth in that simple statement.  

There are a couple of songs I'm leaning into as well.  I'll link them below.  Well, that's it for now.  Just sitting here typing this out has helped me process today.  Thanks for "listening".  Much love, N

Same God

Graves into Gardens

Trouble

That last one is from The Chosen, which I encourage you to watch if you haven't.  It's been my go to when my brain can't read words on paper.  I love the verse "trouble ain't bad if the bad is good"  YES!