Tomorrow marks the beginning of what feels like a long process of healing.  Tomorrow I go in VERY early in the morning and get my chemo port.  Tomorrow, my body starts to change, and I hope to attack and kill cancer.  So, in some ways, it is a hopeful day, and in some ways, it is very sobering.  This is reality now.  A reality I never thought was even possible.  I am certain every person who ever got this diagnosis felt the same way.  How is this possible?  But I do not consider myself immune to any suffering known to humans.  I do not claim any special privilege that exempts me from pain, illness, fear, etc.  That is life!  And I have had the most amazing, blessed life.  So, it's time to hit a rough patch, time to press into the truths I have said I stand on for most of my life.  And that's okay.  

Here's what I know so far:

I will have my first chemo treatment on June 6 and will have them weekly for 12 weeks.  Then the next phase will be another 12 weeks, but only going in for treatment every 3 weeks.  That last section will be a rough one, from what I understand.  Right now, I'm just taking this one step at a time and not looking too far forward. My cancer is triple negative, which is a very aggressive type, but one that my doctor has told me is curable. My doctor is amazing, by the way.  Very upbeat and confident.  She doesn't pad the truth, and has told me this will be hard, but I feel hopeful that when it's all said and done, I will have a great story to tell and also be cancer-free.  

If all goes well, I will be done with chemo on October 31st.  

If you'd like to pray with me, here are a few things I love being specific about-

*That I would honor God in all I do throughout this time

*That God would increase my trust in Him and understanding of His word.

*That I could be used through this to encourage others and point them to Jesus. This    is my true heart's desire.

*Protection for my body from the damages of chemo, so that it would target the cancer and just avoid the rest of me! I'm getting immunotherapy as well, which does target the type of cancer I have, but the more traditional chemo attacks everything.  So please pray that my blood counts stay strong and all my organs remain healthy.  

On Saturday, Chris and I will take a quick two-day trip to have some fun before I start treatment.  I'll post more about that after we are back and I have my first infusion.  

I want to tell all of you that your texts, phone calls, and messages on social media have meant more than you can imagine.  Knowing at such a deep level how much you are loved...well, it changes things.  It changes your outlook, it strengthens and also humbles you.  I don't deserve it, but I hope to return it as much as possible.  This kind of love cannot just be taken in; it has to go back out as well.  I can't wait to see what God wants to do with it all! 

"I sought the Lord and He answered me and delivered me from all my fears.  Those who look to Him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed.  This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him and saved him out of all his troubles."  Psalm 34:1-6

 

Eyes.On.Jesus.

Nan 

    

 

 I stumble as I begin to type these words.  Today has been a hard day.  I don't know what makes the difference in a good or bad day after you've been diagnosed with cancer, but today has been hard/bad.  I know part of it is the fact that eating and sleeping are evading me.  Every health expert will say those are two of the cornerstones (can you have 2 cornerstones?) in health.  Oops.  I just wish I could get out of my head and latch on to all the positive.  So, I sit and write.  It has always been my clearest way of communicating, the thing that helps me empty out the cobwebs of heart and mind.  So I invite you to take this journey with me.  I hope it will be a very long journey in terms of years of life, but a short one in terms of sickness and talking/thinking about cancer every minute of every day.  BLEH!  I hate that more than anything.  I just want to be me.  All that negativity aside...I KNOW God is doing something in me.  I absultely know that.  I'm going through a refining fire and it is painful!  And I am just at the beginning.  But where God leads me, I want to go with trust and joy.  That is my goal.  I want my children and grandchildren to draw near to Jesus in this.  When hard things come we all have two options, towards Him or away.  I am choosing towards.  I'll sit down soon and give all the details of exactly what is happening in my body.  I don't honestly know all of them yet as I avoid certain details to keep my head above water.  But what I know, I will share gladly.  Nothing about this is a secret.  I have become so aware of people praying for me.  I know you can allow others to carry your burdens at times, and Jesus is at the head of that list of burden carriers.  

My biggest desire is to keep my Eyes.On.Jesus.  To honor Him in what I do and who I encounter every step of this path.  Several Bible verses have comforted me in the last two weeks.  The story in Matthew chapter 14 of Simon Peter wanting to walk on the water to Jesus is really resonating with me right now.  The disciples are in the middle of a storm on the sea and Jesus decides to take a stroll out to them... by walking on the water!  They see him and think He's a ghost.  When Jesus says "DO NOT BE AFRAID" Simon says "Lord, if it's you, command me to come to you on the water" Jesus tells him to come.  One word, come.  Initially he walks on the water and comes to Jesus but then is suddenly aware of the wind, and fear struck, and he began to sink.  Because he took his eyes off of Jesus.  He cries out to the Lord and Jesus "immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him ' O you of little faith, why did you doubt'".  They get back into the boat and the wind ceases.  I love the world immediately in this.  No hesitation.  In modern terms He would say "I got ya!"  Jesus, please hold me! Me, little Nan in all her ordinary,  I need that rescue right now, that immediate rescue. Only He offers that.  

I saw someone on social media recently say "You want to hear God's voice?  Open His mouth!" and held up his Bible.  So much truth in that simple statement.  

There are a couple of songs I'm leaning into as well.  I'll link them below.  Well, that's it for now.  Just sitting here typing this out has helped me process today.  Thanks for "listening".  Much love, N

Same God

Graves into Gardens

Trouble

That last one is from The Chosen, which I encourage you to watch if you haven't.  It's been my go to when my brain can't read words on paper.  I love the verse "trouble ain't bad if the bad is good"  YES! 

Some After(ish) photos! and my ramblings

Well, we moved into our home on May 6th.  It seemed an appropriate date to pick as it was my mother's birthday and we had first seen the place on December 18th, my parents' wedding anniversary.  Also, it made it easier to remember!  We've been here almost a month and are slowly but surely getting unpacked and settled in.  It's quite a challenge to go from 5 bedrooms all with large closets to two with decent sized closets.  Not to mention previously having a 3 car garage and now we just have a drive through thing....what are those called anyway??  We call it to portico but I'm fairly sure that's not the right word.  Anyone?

I love this place.  I love waking up to my giant window and watching the sun change the sky.  I love seeing the mama deer with their babies munching on grass in our pecan grove.  We have the cutest set of twins that will come within a few feet of us!  I love that I know this is where we are supposed to be and that it is a gift.

In a previous post I talked about how I see this as a metaphor for what God has been doing in my life. Healing, re-building, changing things.  I still hurt from loosing my sister-in-law.  I wonder sometimes if it's normal to feel that pain so intensely. But, I am a person who feels intensely.  Highs and lows.  This morning in church they talked about suffering and how it is a part of everyone's lives.  Suffering takes two forms - one towards God, the other away from Him.  I've seen what happens when people run from God.  I don't want to go there.  I want to run TO Him every chance I get.  If I had the choice I would change events of the last year.  I am thankful I do not have that choice.  I have no doubt I would just make things worse.  Scripture says God is "jealous" for us. We misuse that word and think of it as a negative.   I realized this morning that means when we hurt, He hurts more.  When we run away, His heart longs for us to return.  Imagine that.  The maker of the universe longing for little old, wart covered me.  Remarkable.

I choose to make this place I now live a daily reminder of God's love and jealousy for me.   These last months had so much less to do with a house than it did with a temple, the one inside my heart.

And so.....here are some after(ish) pictures.  After all, if we're going with the metaphor, are homes (people) every really finished?   Be sure to go back and compare to the first posting!  I wish I could figure out how to post pictures beside each other, but I haven't.  So you'll just have to scroll.  Sorry about that ;)

Our room got the most reno.  These windows were all part of a closet originally and were covered with sheet rock.  

The barn door was one of our favorite additions.  It's made with wood from our pecan trees.

This dresser came from a hotel in Chicago that was built in the 20's if I remember the story correctly.  My brother in law had it for a while and then it sat in our garage for a while longer before finding its home in our room.

Lola is demonstrating our favorite pastime around here.

The shower makes you feel like you're washing up in an outdoor shower.

I do love my bathtub.  One day I'll get proper window coverings.  For now it's Lowe's paper shades but I still love it.

We were tempted to buy a vanity at Restoration Hardware but were not impressed with their prices, even during a sale.  We found this one online and think it's a great "immitation".

We only did a facelift on the kitchen.  Painting the cabinets was the main thing - thanks to our wonderful friends Dan and Jana the paint masters - we got all the interior painting done ourselves, including all the new walls and ceiling.  My right shoulder still has not forgiven me!

The countertops and backsplash were done by the same tile guy who did our bathroom.  He is quite the artist with tile!

These shelves and the built in pictured below are things we added.  They guy who did them was amazing.

This was what we referred to as the Blue Room.  Remember the pink mini blinds and blue walls?  It's Samuel's room now.  Although as little time as he will be spending in it I think it will soon be called the guest room.

The only real change to the family room was that the wall that has the clock on it was originally part of the blue room.  If you look at old pictures there was a french door there that went between these two rooms.  We made a closet out of that space so the family room is about 5 feet shorter than it was.  It is a still a very spacious room.

Can you tell my dog followed me around the entire time I was taking pictures?  This is our other living area.  We love our back porch and spend so much time out there.  Mornings and evenings are wonderful.

This picture gives you a little better idea what we are dealing with where the floors are concerned.  Oh well, as I said...is anything every really finished?

This was the previous owner's formal living and dining area.  It is also about 5 feet small than before so we could enlarge the master bedroom.  It has become our sunroom, dining room and office.  It's different, but it works for us. Everyone who comes into the house ends up sitting on the yellow couch staring at the view.  We keep binoculars there to watch the wildlife.

Once again Lola...haha...and Chris hard at work in his office space.

This house is so much about the outside.  We love our views, front and back.

And so....there you have it.  The demo on the cottage should start in the next week or so and we hope to have my parents living in it by early fall.  The pecans will be ripe then so that's a whole new adventure to look forward to as well.  I will continue to update and add a few pictures as I have found this enjoyable.  I have no idea how many people are reading but I pray you are blessed in some way by my words and enjoy the pictures.  And once again....COME SEE US!

So today was a good day at the CR.  It started off a little sad as we discovered that the very late in the season frost last night may have taken out some of our crop.  We are hoping the roots and stems are still good, but boy the leaves on some of those plants look pretty pitiful!  I can't imagine your life's income being based on something so fragile as a plant and as unpredictable as the weather.  Especially the weather in Texas! 

Inside the house the walls were being textured and on the outside the stone is being replaced where it was torn down to replace windows.  I kept thinking "wow, someone could put humpty dumpty together again!"  I have had moments where I was not sure that would truly happen.

The picture above shows the DARLING garden markers my sweet friend Jana made for me!  I am in love with them!  There are more for the herbs that are a little different.  I need to include those in the next post.  She told me they were my "garden warming" gift.  So fun!  I am so jealous of anyone who can write like this.  My handwriting is embarrassing and always keeps me from projects like this.  Or, I ask one of my girls to write things for me....haha.  Now I will turn to Jana as well ;)

After we put the markers out, she and I were standing out by the house just chatting.  Talking about how blessed I feel to be able to live on this land and watch it bloom in the spring.  Something in my heart is awakening, much like the pecan trees are.  As I said in my last post we have dealt with some heartache this year.  One of the things that has been heavy in our day to day life  has been the loss of Chris' sister Barbara last January.  I've experienced some death in my life and certainly been close to others who lost loved ones suddenly as we did her.  But, until you go to pick up the phone to call them, or think you hear their laughter in the grocery store or just wish so badly you could make sure they knew just how much you loved them....well it's hard to truly relate.  After Barbara died, there was a series of events involving ladybugs which made us all feel as though the sweet little creatures had become a reminder of her for us.  A little sign sent from God to say "She's with me, and will always be with you as well".  Today, I am standing in front of my new house talking with my friend about how much it has meant to my very soul to go through this process, discussing the fact that we should just say THANK YOU JESUS more often than we do, count our blessings daily as the saying goes.  And what do you think happened?  A ladybug landed on my shirt and stayed there for several minutes.  Thank you Jesus, you love me in ways I cannot comprehend. 

How this all began

When our kids were little (they are now 28,22 and 19) and our oldest was in the early grade school years we drove her to school each morning and drove by several large lots with horses and multiple houses on the land.  Chris and I would say to each other "Wouldn't that be amazing if we could buy one of those and Grammy and Grampy could live in the other house?"  Grammy and Grampy are my parents, also known as Barbara and Gene Sinclair.  Years passed and that dream seemed to be unrealistic.  We moved to North Caroline for 2 1/2 years then came back to life in full swing.  With our kids so far apart in age we spent many years parenting adolescents and teenagers.  Dance, choir, cheerleading, basketball and football became our time consumers.  Not to mention church activities, youth group functions and all the traveling Chris did with his job.  If you're a parent, you know what I am talking about.  You jump into the river of life and it takes you....it takes you quickly. 

Fast forward to 2013.  This was not our favorite year to say the very least.  Heartbreak happened in more than one area of our lives.  There was also much joy of course as Samuel graduated from high school and started college.  Lindsay and Ross got jobs in Tyler, Texas and bought their first home,  and Kate continued in her studies to be a nurse.  In those months  we started talking about this dream again  "what if? could we? well let's try!"  So we put our house on the market and began to look for the right property.  We wanted about 2 acres, with two houses on the land.  We hoped for other specific but were really just giving it to God.

Our house was on the market for two months and didn't sell.  I didn't want to deal with showing it over the holidays so we took it off right after Halloween.  Midway through December we got a call from a realtor.  Her client had seen our house when it was on the market, had now sold theirs and wanted to buy ours!  We were two weeks away from leaving for 12 days for a cruise with the family.  They wanted to move in on January 24th.  We went into over drive looking for our dream. 

Enter 716 S. Gabriel drive...  We had seen this property over the summer from the street but never could get a good look at it because there is a pecan grove on the front part of the land and during the time we were looking, the trees were in full bloom and you couldn't even tell there was a house on the property, much less two.  On December 18th (my parents' 60th anniversary) we finally got to look at the house and walk around the property.  We loved it.  Two days later we made an offer.  After almost 8 months of it being on the market (it started at a significantly higher price) and no offers, the owner got two offers on the SAME day!  He took the other offer.  Sigh.  We had been praying this entire time for God to guide us in this process.  We were disappointed but believed if the answer was no, then that was His way of saying He had something better.  On the morning of December 24th we found an apartment we liked and started the paper work on renting it for a year.  We would revisit the dream after that time.  Chris, Samuel and I attended Christmas Eve service at church.  When we got out of service and were getting in the car to head to dinner with Kate my phone buzzed.  It was our realtor telling us that the other deal had fallen through...were we still interested?  YES!  we were!! 

We took our cruise then came back home and packed like mad men.  On January 24th we officially owned what I am, for now, calling the Copper Roof.  Since that day we have been living in a trailer house on some very generous friends' property.  Thank God for generous friends as we could have never done this remodel while living in the house. 

The house is on 6 acres with a guest house just a couple hundred feet from the main house.  The homes are on city water but we also have a well to water our pecan trees- There are about 90 of them- and our fenced and irrigated  garden which is the size of a tennis court.  There will be a chicken run on part of that garden in the fall. 

So, that's the story.  The most important part of all of this for me is this....God knew the timing, He knew our hearts would be heavy at this time in our lives and that it was the PERFECT time for us to do this.   Did I mention Chris also left his job of 15 years during this time?  That has also played into the timing of all of this.  As I watch this old house get torn apart and then begin to be rebuilt, God has clearly shown me that is what He is doing in my life as well.  So many people have loved us through the tough times.  I have learned about forgiveness, about hope, about how terribly judgmental I have been in my life.  God is tearing down the old useless parts of me and rebuilding my heart;  Piece by piece, He shows me His love and faithfulness.  Not that I did not know it before, I did.  But I know it- am learning it - in deeper ways than ever before.  He is remodeling me.  He is the potter, I am the clay.  Or in this case he is the carpenter and I am the out-dated house.  I am so thankful He knows me/us so well.  I am so grateful this dream is coming true in His perfect timing.  I am overwhelmed by my blessings. 

PS, This is a blessing we intend to share.  Come see us!  Pray for us to know how God wants to use us through this.  And if you ever need pecans.....you know how to find us!

And now for some "during"

Later in the week I plan on sitting down and talking about how this whole thing happened.  It has been a dream for many, many years.  Each time I go out there (we are currently living in a trailer on the property of some very generous friends) I am overwhelmed with the beauty of our little piece of Texas.  Some of that feeling comes from knowing it is a dream being fulfilled.  Some of it is because the place is just so darn amazing!  Of course, I am a bit biased.

So, here are some pictures of the process of remodeling.  Beginning with demo....which took So much longer than I thought it would.  How can it take weeks to tear walls?  Haha, little did I know~

This picture and the next are taken from basically the same view point, just turned a bit to the left in the second. 

Goodbye original wall between bedroom and living room.  That space to the right where you see the two smaller windows was part of the closet and all those windows had sheetrock over them.

 

Our back porch is the current trash bin.

Family room with all the "popcorn ceiling" torn down.  That double door directly in front is now a wall and to the right of it an alcove.  We bumped out that wall and have created a large closet.

Kitchen, no ceiling....obv

Windows were taken out to center them differently on the walls.  The small windows to the left were also covered by sheet rock.  That is now one of the large windows and is part of our bedroom.

The "Blue room" as we call it.  Hopefully it won't be blue much long.  This will be Samuel's room/guest room. All the windows that opened were replaced, including the ones on the right of this picture.

This was our demo guy, Rick  Great guy who actually helped us come up with some great ideas for storage, etc.  Thanks Rick!

Last shot of the stained glass windows.  That all got moved to the right and is now a type of glass that allows light but is more private than clear.

Windows from the outside while they were in the process of re-framing them.

Keeping it classy with a toilet on the back porch.

This is the formal living/dining area as you look toward the kitchen on the left.  We are probably going to use this as an office/dining room

another view of where the master bedroom walls once were.

Former entry/closet/hot water heater area which is now a large laundry/mud room.

Another view of the kitchen from the current formal living area.  We are putting open shelving in where the former cabinets were previously.

This was the laundry room, we are converting it into a small powder room.

 

I found a few more befores...on my phone. Living out of boxes makes it hard to find things sometimes!

Family to living room entry,

Blue room built ins

Blue room bathroom.  Samuel actually likes this shower so we are leaving it.  Yay for a small area that needs no remodeling - well almost.

entry to the master bedroom.  To the left is the W/C.  Toilet and sink in a tiny space

Master bath (ish)

Yes, that is a shower in the middle of a room.  To the left is where he had a king sized bed.  Around that corner is where the toilet and sink were. This is the room that is getting the biggest overhaul. 

This was the only real closet in the house.  Those boards covering the walls also covered windows which we have uncovered.  When they put the walls up, they left the mini blinds which had been on the windows..  The side wall faces west and had gotten so hot that the mini blinds had marks where they had smoked!

Formal dining looking into the blue room and the family room