I stumble as I begin to type these words. Today has been a hard day. I don't know what makes the difference in a good or bad day after you've been diagnosed with cancer, but today has been hard/bad. I know part of it is the fact that eating and sleeping are evading me. Every health expert will say those are two of the cornerstones (can you have 2 cornerstones?) in health. Oops. I just wish I could get out of my head and latch on to all the positive. So, I sit and write. It has always been my clearest way of communicating, the thing that helps me empty out the cobwebs of heart and mind. So I invite you to take this journey with me. I hope it will be a very long journey in terms of years of life, but a short one in terms of sickness and talking/thinking about cancer every minute of every day. BLEH! I hate that more than anything. I just want to be me. All that negativity aside...I KNOW God is doing something in me. I absultely know that. I'm going through a refining fire and it is painful! And I am just at the beginning. But where God leads me, I want to go with trust and joy. That is my goal. I want my children and grandchildren to draw near to Jesus in this. When hard things come we all have two options, towards Him or away. I am choosing towards. I'll sit down soon and give all the details of exactly what is happening in my body. I don't honestly know all of them yet as I avoid certain details to keep my head above water. But what I know, I will share gladly. Nothing about this is a secret. I have become so aware of people praying for me. I know you can allow others to carry your burdens at times, and Jesus is at the head of that list of burden carriers.
My biggest desire is to keep my Eyes.On.Jesus. To honor Him in what I do and who I encounter every step of this path. Several Bible verses have comforted me in the last two weeks. The story in Matthew chapter 14 of Simon Peter wanting to walk on the water to Jesus is really resonating with me right now. The disciples are in the middle of a storm on the sea and Jesus decides to take a stroll out to them... by walking on the water! They see him and think He's a ghost. When Jesus says "DO NOT BE AFRAID" Simon says "Lord, if it's you, command me to come to you on the water" Jesus tells him to come. One word, come. Initially he walks on the water and comes to Jesus but then is suddenly aware of the wind, and fear struck, and he began to sink. Because he took his eyes off of Jesus. He cries out to the Lord and Jesus "immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him ' O you of little faith, why did you doubt'". They get back into the boat and the wind ceases. I love the world immediately in this. No hesitation. In modern terms He would say "I got ya!" Jesus, please hold me! Me, little Nan in all her ordinary, I need that rescue right now, that immediate rescue. Only He offers that.
I saw someone on social media recently say "You want to hear God's voice? Open His mouth!" and held up his Bible. So much truth in that simple statement.
There are a couple of songs I'm leaning into as well. I'll link them below. Well, that's it for now. Just sitting here typing this out has helped me process today. Thanks for "listening". Much love, N
That last one is from The Chosen, which I encourage you to watch if you haven't. It's been my go to when my brain can't read words on paper. I love the verse "trouble ain't bad if the bad is good" YES!
ReplyDeleteIt's been awhile! I am praying and holding you in my heart. My husband Owen was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer last summer. He had a radical cystectomy with ileal conduit surgery in October, rehab, etc. He is now in physical therapy. All of this background is just to let you know, I'm with you. Forgot to mention this happened after my brother died, mother died, cat died and aunt died. I didn't know if I could handle it either. So I told myself " Courtney, I don't care what you do...I forgive you ahead of time." That helped take some pressure off. And yes. I had a few hissy fits. It helped that I forgave myself ahead of time. I understand that you trust God, but you're also human.
Go easy on yourself in every possible way. You cannot get this wrong. You'll do it Nan's way, which is the "right way". I'm rambling, too, so I hope that all makes sense. Cancer is bigger than you are for sure, but God is bigger than cancer. Sending love and support. Please call when/if you need to. I am here. If you have my email, I can give you my number that way. Don't know if I should publish it here?
I'm so sorry you have ben through so much Courtney. And that is a good word on letting go of things I might view as mistakes along the way. Thank you. Here's my email, you can send me your info through that: nscastello@gmail.com
DeleteNan, Praying🙏✝️ for you throughout my days. So want to have the perfect words for you, you deserve perfect words. With your heart of gold for others in my 30+ years of knowing you and having the privilege of calling you friend, I have seen you weather some storms and your eyes never wavered from looking upward. Lord Jesus hear our prayers for Nan’s healing, prayers for a loving, supportive and incredibly knowledgeable medical team. May Nan receive and feel the daily love we are lifting her with. Heavenly Father we pray for Nan to receive assurance from you every day. We pray for her body to respond to the treatments given her, we pray for her energy to sustain. We pray that Nan receive her daily healing rest and sleep. The Lord our healer, you are our deliver and sustainer. We thank you God for your precious child Nan and we ask you to direct our ways on how we can show our love and support to her. Jesus, in your precious and Almighty name we pray.
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